Candles

It begins with an attraction. Then over few dinners, coffees and stroll by the beach to the amusement park, a relationship established. Then more dates, more dinner, more breakfasts, small arguments, more arguments, talks, more talks, then  poof, somehow, it disappear. Like a thunder. Just like that. And the next thing you know, you have to let go and move on.

But moving on is another story. Although it is only a matter of mind, it always gets more complex than it should be. It is about the struggle, although the relationship has ended seasons ago but restore the equilibrium takes more time than changing your hairstyle. It starts off with false projection of this very person that you used to hold dear everywhere you go within somebody else on the street that resemble mere similarity. The perfect jaw line, the beard and that beanie you bought for him as a Christmas gift. Your heart will skip a beat. And that missing beat is also a wish, that you want it to be him. When you notice he is not the person you thought, some part of you will withered like unwatered Lily. That moment of clashing side between the mind and the heart was excruciating, but you are willing to jump right in again to the pool of hope for the cosmic joke to intertwine you with him by accident - just because you are aware that you are gutless to initiate an action. Then, you will reach the bit where you will force the fate to happen. You will tell yourself it is the shorter route to your home, but all you want to do is to take the road where you can walk by the bar where he works and sheepishly steal a glance or two. You have missed him too much, you will settle just for a breathe of familiar place. Some other times, you will find a reason to persuade your friends to have few drinks at the bar, sugarcoated it with the offer of cheap wine and close-distance location. Even if some of them smell the burning anxiety on your face, you will immediately deny, pretending you do not care. Once you finally see him where you want him to be, your eyes cross-path with his, you will look away out of reflex. The pride of yours has gotten too deep within your nerves, you are defeated involuntarily. Hereinafter, you will also find him in the chorus of City and Colour songs, that he was shared on your second date, whilst your heart will wrench for the numerous times to the idea of his face that embrace the melody of the first day of Spring.

It is more difficult as your mind often drift away from the initial reason why you have to let go to the place where butterflies and mix-tapes were once dancing. The first kiss in front of your doorstep, when he was holding your hand and it felt like it belong there. Those thorns that bleeds your feelings dry, slowly. The magnet that keeps pulling you down to ground zero. Hence, the truth where sentences that meant to sound beautiful, the ones that suppose to melt, ended up upsetting the soul and conversations that suppose to flow and grow, wilt and blocked are pushed away far at the back. What is worse, you know regardless the truth, to you the idea of him is too strong, like the clasp of phoenix's claws as he embodies the faux-dream of fairy tale you had when the first idea of loving someone shaped in your head. Nonetheless, the person that you thought was the Dream, is also the antidote that brings you closer to a better grip on reality, showing that it is not always about The Maccabees' Toothpaste Kisses, but also Daughter's Candles. All that is left is a silhouette of him that shall fade as the candles burns to nothing but memories. And you cannot wait for the moment to come, cause you are exhausted by this emotional slavery to the past that refuse to dim. Go on, keep trying. Remember, the candles shall fade.