We
were sitting on the table for two in one of the most crowded restaurant in
town. It was a farewell lunch before his departure to the land up north. It had
been a while I have not seen his face. His exquisite jawline made him stood up
among others. At that moment, it felt like we were never went wrong. Everything
was in place. As if no scratch or broken heart was ever happened. I
was not sure whether it was a good thing or the opposite. All I knew was I was
glad to see him again.
He
sat before me in his favourite black sweater. The sweater that reminded me of him. He did not change a bit. Only perhaps, he
lost few pounds judging by his thinner cheek. He was still the best friend he claimed
to be; all loud and pretty much attractive. During the second plate of main
course, we stumbled upon the conversation about plane crash regarding his
irrelevant research on the internet about the recent history of his choice of
airline to South Korea in three weeks.
‘It’s
not about the idea of dying alone that scares me. I just don’t want to die with
bunch of foreigners and strangers.’ He said as he raised his shoulder to show
his objection and his typical arrogance. ‘I would probably just get out of the
plane before it crashed, and sky dive a little.’ His eyes drifted away from me. Staring empty towards the table next to us, ‘Feel the air pressing against
my skin, and probably will get a boner at some point.’ I chuckled. His pervert
side never failed to amuse me.
I
was busy forking the remaining paprika bits to the side of the plate
while listening to him. Before I got the chance to comment, he put his two fingers by his ear as if he was holding a phone, and said, ‘Oh, and I’d
call my girlfriend and say, “Hello? Katherine? I love you. Bye.” Then I can die in peace.’ I stopped; giving
all of my attention to him. I did not expect to hear what he just said. It was
a good thing that I was not chewing anything because I might have just spill it
out all over the place.
I
was not sure what that was – the shocking nerve as if I just got tasered. Was
it the unspoken affection I felt towards him that never been mutual, shared
and should have ever existed or a genuine amazement to acknowledge after all, he could
feel love too? Under our undefined relationship half a year ago, he tried to imply he
was capable of everything but loving. Just now, he sounded the opposite. Maybe, he was just incapable of loving me. Slowly
I ate the last bit of my grilled chicken with dry throat, idly processing
thoughts more than the food.
The
fact that he is in a relationship with someone always involuntarily missing under
my consciousness. I had to keep reminding myself, he was not mine. Never was and never will. We were together at that moment though; but only within the literal
meaning of our presence in the same space and time. Then I smiled. They both were just so
lucky to find one and another. It would be nice to have someone who loved you
that much they would choose to call you in the last moment of their lives. I was
never been that jealous.
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