How have you been? I’ve heard you are looking gorgeous and hotter as ever with the fervent heat and cold beers. Oh dear, words cannot describe how I’ve missed you and it is so hard to believe it has been over 1,000 days since the last time I saw you.
Let me begin with an apology because at the end of this letter, you might not find this as pleasant as the ones I have sent you before. But I hope you’re still going to read me, and at least try to understand where I came from.
As you might have known, it’s been a while since the last time I wrote to you but truly, I have been quite busy with being Here.
My friends have been helping me settling down like last week, I went to a-parking-lot-turned-to-skate-park-slash-music-venue where we had Whisky on a plastic cup by the skate rank. Trains to Southampton now can be replaced with trains to Soekarno-Hatta Airport. It’s a stepping stone for Here to be a lot closer like you.
My family too, after the road trip all the way to East Java, my older cousin just gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy, adding one tiny member to our big family. Buying tiny socks and bean-sized Little Prince t-shirt had me all tingly and thinking fuck, I am old and perhaps this is one of the things that I wouldn’t want to miss.
And work’s been fine. I am missing the 11 A.M lectures and all the long walks through Alma Road, but the Gojek rides and lunch with my colleagues here are more than alright, too. I am learning new things everyday just as I was there but with different kind of grading and pressure.
I am learning to cut my meat intake too, quite drastically than I was before who used to eat everything that looks and smells delicious, and replace it with more plant-based meal. Why? Apart from trying to be more healthy, I’d like to think this can be a great contribution to Earth. Again, I am still trying; we all know how hard it is to let go cheese and beef Bulgogi, but I think it’s a pretty good start.
As you can see, I am also practising to be more mindful of the present. Part of it is by appreciating what I have now, which definitely more than enough. But sometimes you are too big, too pretty, and too heavy for me to breathe and being able to see what’s in front of me — all of those, Here.
Now that I have come to realise the first weeks or years since my return to Here, I have been resisting the fact that I am now far from you and when I thought it’s a beautiful thing to feel and defend, I have placed myself in a more uncomfortable and damaging situation more than I know.
But please don’t get me wrong, I am not forgetting you — I will never; you are the biggest and best thing that’s ever happened to me. But right now, I am just not going to see or speak to you as often as I did because I need to be here, be fully here, and give Here a chance. Making peace with whatever’s left of me in Here, and Here in me. And you know, it isn’t going to be easy when my mind keeps coming back to you.
I hope you’d understand. I know your sunsets and Summer nights will stay magical and you will always be home to me. So, I may not going to see you anytime soon, but I will. I promise you I will, one day just like how it was then.
Much love,
F.
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