A book named to kill a mockingbird that I finally got in my hand, thanks to Mila. We kind of celebrate our late seventeenth birthday lunch.
and the other day I had semi-preparation for another upcoming phase in the future. A presentation. With my classmates, which I love, and went very well. Continued with half day out with the guys, and went as always pointless.
I prefer not to go with the details because I know people do not give a fcuk about how someone else's day went. and I would rather be writing thoughts that might go the same way like someone out there, the same perspective, or maybe gaining few valuable inputs.
I am blind for knowing my self owning habits having very sensitive feelings.
As I go deeper and caught out looking a love to substitute. No, wait, substitute would not be a proper words that went after love. Take it this way, getting involved with feelings makes me wanting things too much, missing too much, expecting too much, hoping too much. but pain builds me tougher. I might got shocked to welcome new things in life, and then I forgot where do I stand, which believe, insane. So today, I know one: he makes me forget what is real and not.
and hell, it was wrong.
The imagination that I had in mind would not be enough to translated in to chain of words, expected to compete the essence.
Having the thought of him was somehow delicately soothing.
and it sounded like a complete bullshit. Man, sometimes I wish it was.
Truth oftenly recorded as a bullshit. Just uncommon statement that general population repel.
The story that I am in, to develop, was technically strange. Nothing much to describe because nothing much happened. But the joy being in the simplicity is over the top.
Tortures but sweet. slightly hard to accept but happening. Very random, but stupid to go against it.
A day would be sour without his lines.
I'm lost for what's happening currently.
The way the sun creeping behind those sophisticated buildings hurt my eyes. I dare my self by staring at it, foolishly. Sometimes I imagine that sky was one, all in together just like the sky that someone’s might have there somewhere on the other part of the world. I’m starting to have my normality back on my grip, including my bed time, although my eyes haven’t fully compromise with my daily kit to prevent any boring repetition. There was no secret behind the proverb “Routines are boring” it happens to every human being and creating this selfish unlimited wants/never entirely satisfied. Raise your hand if you are one of those. Thank you. I tried so hard to prevent any ‘lame’ routines, when something has become one of your routines it could strangle you and starting to have the subjection out of it, what a waste. Staring when would the minute changed and counting seconds that might just took longer than sixty times beats.
Sarcasm and explicit explanation were strangely entertaining for me, sometimes when I say ‘hate’ it means I can’t help it anymore. And when I say ‘lame’ it might means super cool but I hate to have the urge of feeling it. You know, girls. My bad though.
Things are bad, when you see it bad. It wouldn’t be that bad if you see it right,
But intricate with my own feeling is the hardest part of determination.
I could make 10 minutes speech of telling people how to deal with their problems but I could not make five minutes for mine. It was funny to live very random.
Accidentally seeing someone without any intention was funny, especially when I look back and remember how cruel the first impression. Taking a quote from someone,
“It takes love to kill love”
Dammit. Wish I knew it earlier.
If everything happens for a reason,
I want to know the reason now.
Most of the post here are about how shit my day went, but it was not actually. I'm just having this frenzy begins when I write either being left out or in love. Those two were top of my favourite topics.
When I started to feel something, like literally anything. It could haunted me for the next 24hours or even weeks. And I came with obscure pointless promise that testing my guts for staying on the right track. So for me, it would be so much easier not being alarmed my self for a significant feeling in such a situation than knowing it's existence and curled up with above the line expectation.
We were talking how people met. In thousands of random situation that instantly pulled a man a woman in to one moment together. Probably you were on the train, after received such a bad luck shit and all in the sudden you randomly talked to someone and ended up spending all day tasting such an adventure together and involves to a very initially deep conversation. And the conversation bond a decent feeling for believing anti-gravity such thing, like falling in love. Unbearable feeling that your heart can’t hardly contains.
I gathered a conclusion, sometimes people keep their feeling safe inside their heart, because the facts told them to. All the consideration for what might be happening in the future. Like distance for example, distance draw the line of separation.
“What if I’m telling you now, but I know you have to go somewhere far soon enough?” that kind of consideration. See?
It took nothing to begin being in love. But as soon you realized you are in love, it took life to worth a second, every smiles and pain. Unlike money, the durability for falling is undefined. Within a week you could falling head over heels to someone, a week, a day, or even one stand conversation. Voila, you are in love. Or at least, in like. Things happened above the line your normal sense, then you would come up with millions of why, followed with countless question marks all over your head. There it went, beyond limitation of expectations waiting in line, makes you worried sick and very vulnerable.
“I like you. Why?”
“I want your text. Why?”
“You attract me. Why?”
"I care, why?"
Two days ago this picture gets me.
Days are doing fine. I am doing fine. Things are good. They are good and he is good.
I have left my blog for a few days and still I am here with empty hand - and mind. No, actually my mind was quite crowded, it was impossible to run a town in my head. the streets are full with cars, as the objects. I'm thinking to get to bed early and catch a good night dream, my eyes were heavy but my fingers keep pushing this keyboards until it gets full. full with pointless words and such unethical rhyme.
Man, where did you go today?
I haven't watch Before Sunset. I haven't. I have to. I have to.
I watched Avatar 3D and it was gooood.
I almost late. Everyday.
Based on my temperature body, I am not in so-good-shape. Note: also my stomach.
Msn is my life savior when I feel hubbub. Literally.
A conversation would light up my mood. my day. my feeling. my emotion.
I should close go to bed but..........................
I'm giving you one day to miss me. One day top. I couldn't stay away more than a day. 24 hours. It.
I study and imagine things.
But that was not the point, although I’m here not to emphasizing anything. I live without handcuff that strained me for moving around. I do move. I’m moving. On.
I have wasted too many emotions to survive with one or two thoughts that have been clouding my mind for a period of time.
Unconsciously, I fell for feeling-laundry, and buying those entire irresponsible misinterpretation acts. I’m eating uncertainty and drinking unethical hopes, all gathered in to butterflies attack and inconstant heart beat. I got nobody to blame, and I am not looking for anyone to blame. I got my wake up calls, I am waking up from my favorite nightmare, being head over heels for someone.
Time passes and giving me new answers for my unanswered questions. New, would include to changes that occurred. Piano may not sound pretty in my ears today and I may never want to go to
I put my self where I stand right now, to feel what I feel right now.
I am fully aware what I saw, what I knew, what I foolishly kept recent days. The pain knowing opponent names was hauntingly beautiful, making me sick more than the sea. But I’m doing unbelievably great, because when you learned to understand and beginning to let it go, it taste… light.
I am sure for not doing this again. I’m getting my heart in one piece,
Tonight the wind travels on the highest speed, it strikes my cheek in peculiar way. Everything was the same, the lamps were on as the sun went down, the buildings looking very sharp. Sunday was no longer cheap, time flies and brought me to edge of holiday. Right at the end of it. Monday would taste rough again, but I wouldn't care less. I had a decent holiday without a high cost, thank you.
But that was not the case I had in mind.
I changed the draft few times because basically I was here first with an empty mind, without any concept. Blame me.
Do you know I hate the fact that I have limitations to write here?
I made the limit. and I would not blame anybody for it. It's just too vulnerable for few eyes to read.
Something that should not be exposed too much but the thought alone is killing me so good.
I'm dying to write it.
Because its humming all over my head
How can I write it..............
You like someone, or maybe love, but the situation makes you should end it.
you stuck with this person, and you need to move on.
What should you do to move on?
What the indicators to move on?
...what if you love/like someone that on their process to move on?
I just don't get it.
I have a friend.
I like the way he showed his love to the girl he loves, (I can't mention any name)
he's deeply creative, his mind amazed me.
A video. and I knew he loves her that much.
I forgot about his smell. I can't feel his clothes. Or hands. He's far. But I know him.
Ah, enough. I'll see you soon.
Gathered elements that surrounds you. Sometimes it isn't clearly seen, probably unseen, but it's right there.
I remember when I was 13, I hate thirteen. I cried for having such a life. According to where I put my self right now, thirteen years old is the phase when I really felt like living. When I introduced to pain and heart break. And crying over unimportant truth.
The curiosity at age 14 and 15, to jump in a pool of teenagers life habit made me anxious. I am very thankful for the environment I grew up on. Makes me hates drugs. Repel any kind of negative deviation. Although I learned, rules are made to be broken.
Even though didn't live in Vegas, the sin city, I broke few rules. But honestly, if I did break any rules, there was also a guilty coming along. Note: brief rules. I'm not a hard core, maybe a soft core with a little bit touch of hardcore.
Anyway, when I reached sixteen the shadow of being a considered actual teenager was following around, if I did a little bit of mistake, there always this phrase, "Come on, you're almost seventeen!" what. about. that.
Now, I'm seventeen. I gained responsibilities instead of pound.
Changes occurred, I can feel it but not specific.
please said, "Move on with me," I'll grab your hand, and answered, "Let's go"
I hate for the lack of any kind of update. I've been eating normally. but I didn't sleep well.
It's not because vampires starting to growing on me and I tried to follow their habit. No. Heck No.
That is too much.
Maybe because I am a vampire so naturally I dislike sleep. Okay, joking. Things are doing so great. It's just the mood that keeping to go inconstant. It could change form in a blink of an eye. I'm still on my way to conquer the ability for owning a good mood for eternity.
I should blame my mind for keep thinking things. Sometimes I would like to tell them to shut up for a while. but I know I'm just doing non sense act.
People growing up like hello. It's fast. and I'm going to be eighteen this year.
Eighteen. 18. Years. Old.
Holiday went too fast. It would end in... two days. Or one weekend away. One Sunday away. It felt like yesterday I just mourning for something irresistible.
I don't know where I should put my self, in one part I just hate school more than anything. I could be one of the most laziest person in town. But in another side, I would love to go to school. I want to change. In a good way. A better way.
See? Right now I feel I want to stop because all those sounded like a shit in the mud merge with all the bacteries. Written in disgust.
And overloaded exaggeration covered up my head. I kept typing pointless sentences.
There are few things happens in holiday.
Respectfull, I enjoyed.
Eyes were almost closed. Heart beat pounding with such a courage, mind disagree with fingers that keep pressing random alphabets on the keyboard and rarely satisfied what heart wants. Thousands pauses was held in a range of one hour time, just to write paragraphs of stories happened these past weeks, or days. Simple yet so complicated. Mind making it complicated. Trouble for synchronizing both sides was never easy, this happens all the time. Sounds were slowly missing. Crossing the limits with such disgrace and guilty. Along with pleasure that conceited deep beneath. Music carried away against the flows. My thought agitated.
This instead of that.
A weakness lie on the details, where the fireworks sounded like a bomb and haunting your ears with such priceless moment of view. The hypes that shares with laughs and text message were beyond expectation. The rush of the empty spaces around the play ground pushes me somewhere in to the corner of ignorance for the presence.
There you go,
Happy new year 2010.
Screams and shouts would not measure the excitement on their faces under the moonlight. Precious.
There they were Andra, Zara, Way, Dilut, Rara, Angga, Iksan, Kepin, Ardi, and Edward. Guys I was with when the countdown happened. Text message I received were also saved my mood up for the next hours of the first day of 2010.
It's 2010. I have a good feeling. I'm excited. Join me for the ride. I'm here.