Have You Heard?

(Originally published on Medium)

Every time I caught myself apologising for not making time to write, I’d always want to interrupt and said, “Shut up. You do; if you weren’t making time to write, you wouldn’t be here right now.” or “Stop it. You’re not turning into the person don’t want to be.”

As you can tell, I obviously need to make peace with the Past, possessive version of me, that I wouldn’t be able to write as often as I did; but I’d like to look at her in the eye and tell her that it’s fine. I haven’t, and won’t, stopped doing the one thing that keeps me going.

I am still right here. You are still right there.

It is possibly because I am so used with the idea of being just one thing, and one thing only; others are invalid or inconsistent. Feeding my fear with the idea of not being able to write three days a week nor pursuing writing professionally will make me less than a writer I’ve always wanted to be.

But honestly, I think I am forgetting the Infinite Possibilities of being human. We can be so many things all at once. Or maybe, I will be a professional writer, maybe I won’t, or maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to be one because I already am the writer I’ve always wanted to be.

So, can’t you be a musician and an accountant at the same time? Or a painter and an IT engineer? I’d like to think that we can always be all the pretty things we want to be. As long as you know what makes your eyes wide open even you haven’t slept for days, makes your lips shake, makes you forget about time and space, or gives you that butterfly feeling in your stomach.

You know how I kept telling people, you shouldn’t judge yourself or the Future based on your fear of the past. What I’ve just realised, by the help of others, was: I shouldn’t conclude myself now nor my Future with the thought of happiness I once had; like England, or the fluency in writing romantic fiction. Because this only makes me more focused on it being gone and feel less and unhappy, when we all should do is freaking live.

To wrap up this on my birthday eve, I have stopped wishing to have one magic spell that can immediately erase the shame, the guilt and the fear in one go. Cause apart from we are muggles, happiness or peace cannot live without them all. To certain extent, they are born from it.

Happy 25, Fiya. As always, I am still forever rooting for you.

Love,

F.