Around the Sun

2017

I remember on the second day of January last year, I posted a picture of a night sky on Instagram with caption, “I hope in this new year we will look at the stars more often than we look at the screen.” And if this were a film, the camera will pan out and flying in towards Me this morning, spending the first two waking hours of my day by scrolling cute puppies videos in bed. And just like any other days for the past one year.

Mostly because I am avoiding responsibilities, filling time because I am also part of Millennials who you know, spoilt-by-technology generation who have minimum tolerance towards boredom. and it is dangerously comfortable and indulging as if it were a whirly time-sucking machine that made you forget about everything else; and not necessarily in a beautiful and productive ways.

But anyway! 2018 is here, looking dandy in welcoming the menu of the year. Let’s do a quick recap around the sun about the good things that happened this year, instead of dwelling with all the mishaps and what not, then we can carry on with kinder, more generous resolutions, not forced ones that demanded us to be less human.

To be honest, 2017 was still the year of understanding myself a little more, which never been easy. But despite the uncomfortable feelings, I am forever grateful to feel what I’m feeling, to see what I’m seeing, to hear what I’m listening, to write what can write.

Travel Basil

Why basil? According to Google, basil is an aromatic herb native to tropical Asia, the continent where I spent most of my travelling days in 2017. Last year, I’ve been travelling to more than three destinations across Indonesia; Yogyakarta, Lembang, Lombok, Bandung, and Bali rediscovering once again what home feels like — including all the hate and love.

I’ve always been a fan of travelling. I like the whole journey of getting to the airport, checked in, waiting on the sturdy metallic chair for boarding announcement, getting on the plane, taking off, looking outside seeing how little you are in this world, landing and so forth. It is like experiencing something so ordinary yet extraordinary at the same time. That flying metal thing is taking you to places and across times (zone)!

Although I never said it out loud, but I kinda wished the trip was somehow would magically changed the shitty days into wondrous days. And now I am no longer expecting to come home with a bundle of happiness and peace as if it were a package of promotional gift from the souvenir shop. I know this might sound very cliche, but I have learned it must begin from the inside, because no matter how far I’ll go or how beautiful a place can be, I will always feel hollow if I go with the wrong intentions.

This leads us to the next point.

Inward Looking Compassion

Learning about Self-Compassion was definitely one of the major highlights in 2017 that shed more light into what I was searching this whole time. For the most part is to understand on how to take care all the fears that stem from Shame and Guilt I have been, perhaps unknowingly nurtured.

If you have not yet familiar with Self-Compassion, Kristen Neff defines it as being composed of these three components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. It means realising that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. Or my personal favourite definition for Self Compassion is “simply being a friend to yourself.”

By noting emotions, I learned to be less judgemental/self-loathing/self-criticising and more mindful kind of person. For example, labelling that this uncomfortable feeling is fear, or confusion, helped me to trace back the root of it all, and slowly, gradually, however raw it is, I can try to make (and talk some) sense or (to) it.

Practising of being mindful is a struggle until today — even new year’s burning spirit of new beginnings won’t change that, but the key is always continuous practice over and over again, however difficult and mundane it is. Safe to say, it is a long road ahead, but I am never been this ready.

Cloud Conclusion

To conclude this lengthy intended-to-be-reflective post, I would like to refer back to the story in the beginning, what often confused us, or me, here I often see the story in parts when I should have listened to the whole thing. Often what we, or I, remember is only the failure I cannot live up to my own expectations and forgetting the most important thing that happened after scrolling cute puppies videos in bed: I got up.

We got up each day, fighting the battle of our own anxiety and fear and shame and whatever it is, and made it through the fucking day. However broken, but wiser, cooler and prettier in our own weird ways. I’m sorry, I tend to speak profanity to fully express the depth of subject I was talking about but hopefully, you won’t mind and get the idea. Therefore, I think it is important to emphasise kindness towards yourself in 2018.

Anywho, without further ado, here’s to more adventures, discoveries, celebrations, and most of all, more glasses of wine to come!